I started this Blog mainly to keep track of my relationship and my life since I moved cross-country for love. It’s a year and a half into the relationship, 1 year since I was cheated on, and 6 months since we became engaged. Recently, I’ve been lied to, yelled at, and walked away from. But I live for the moments when we’re the “old” us. Before all of this. This is my journey to getting back to that.
So I did it. After a few weeks of him keeping his phone on lock-down mode, with a secret code that he usually tells me but now recently lies about what the code is… … . I checked the phone records. The phone is in my name. I have that right.
Sure enough, he’s been texting her. The girl he cheated on me with almost exactly one year ago. Nearly 20 messages, sent and received. My legs went numb. No, they went hollow. Thoughts and images of me having to pack everything up and do the drive of shame all the way back across country passed through my mind.
When he got home, I confronted him. He said he only got one message from her, and ignored it. I pressed on. He said they only chatted about 6 messages. I pressed on. Then he fessed up. When I broke down, he couldn’t tell me what I had done wrong, or why he couldn’t resist the urge to talk to her. That’s two lies in two days.
How often have I been lied to? How do you get so skilled in faking sincerity and so quick and smooth at manifesting a lie? I don’t lie to him. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. I just can’t understand.
I feel so small. I told him that if I ever catch him talking to the person who nearly destroyed our relationship again, that I would leave. As soon as I gave an ultimatum, I felt so bad. That’s not me. But I should be strong. I shouldn’t have to take this, especially when he can’t tell me it happened, it “just did”.
Can everything wrong, each mistake be attributed to depression caused by being in the armed forces? Why wasn’t he like this 6 months ago? Did he change after we moved cross country to be closer to his son? He’s different.
I don’t understand why the person my fiance cheated on me with is friends with is ex-wife. I don’t understand why he could have bought me a promise ring right before he cheated. I don’t understand how things could have changed so fast in the course of a year: we started off as so happy, never arguing. Now, while I strive to always talk to him like I love him, he yells and storms away just because a conversation might be hard.
You know, when you are dating, everyone presents their best face. You want to impress the other person so they will want to stay with you. For some reason, I think he has stopped trying to “keep” me. One day, I will be eroded down so much that I will want to leave. You can’t keep yelling, or cursing, or lying and have me just take it.
I’m so scared that I’m being a doormat, yet when I try to ‘give it right back’, it’s just not me. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the parking lot, so he gets out and attempts to walk home.
I used to have to check his phone and his e-mails to see what girl he was talking to. What inappropriate things have been said. When I’d question it, he would get so so mad that he was caught, but get mad at me for looking. I’ve stopped looking now. For 2 months, I haven’t looked. It’s because I stopped caring. I wanted to see his new phone and I asked for the code to get it, and have gave me a fake one (tried to get the phone back from me, so he could put the code in without me knowing the real one). No trust. What are you hiding?
He says it’s because his phone is his personal diary. That everything can be attributed to having been in the Marines. There are things on there he doesn’t want me to see. I feel so small. Says he never puts his clothes away because he lived out of a bag in the Marines… I can’t argue with being a Marine. But how can everything be attributed to it.
He is a different person. Moving back closer to his son was supposed to make him happier. I am his number one fan. But now there are secrets. Unhappiness. I stopped caring and he’s stopped trying. I feel so small; a doormat.
Is it fixable?
